I’m beginning to understand why people call the British polite. It turns out that when it comes to insults we have nothing – literally nothing – on the people of Spain. You can try “Plonker”, “Minger” or even “Tosser” but let’s face, a Spaniard is just going to laugh! Our insults just can’t compete with the pure creative genius of the Spanish.
No doubt you are now quaking in your boots at the thought of an argument with your flatmate or an encounter with a driving nutcase. But do not fear: whatever your nationality, I have got 10 fantastic Spanish insults lined up for you:
Hijo de las mil putas = Son of a thousand whores
In English, ‘you son of a bitch’ is a pretty forceful insult. But, as I have said, the Spanish really do go above and beyond: this Spanish insult means son of, not 1, not 10 but 1000 prostitutes.
Que te folle un pez = I hope you get fucked by a fish
To be exact, I am reliably informed that this threat is to be performed by a swordfish. My initial reaction to this was “Hahaha .. ha … ewww!” I mean when you stop to think about it … well, it’s not a pleasant thought.
Cap de suro (Catalan) = Head of a cork (Meaning “dimwit”)
Hijo de un hyena = Son of a hyena
Que ta la pique un pollo = I hope a chicken pecks your dick
This insult was the one where I reconsidered drawing visual images of the insults…
Pollas en vinagre = Dicks in vinegar (Meaning “bullshit”)
… And this insult was the point at which I put the colouring pencils down.
Te voy a dar una galleta = I’m going to give you a cookie (Meaning “I’m going to hit you”)
Don’t underestimate this one! For fellow bakery lovers, this one can be very misleading.
Pintamonas = One who draws monkeys
Me cago en la leche que te han dado = I shit in the milk they gave you
Yep, the Catalan and Spanish celebration of poo doesn’t end with Caga Tio (the pooing log which replaces Father Christmas in Catalonia). In fact, there are a few more along these lines … “Mitja-merda” (“Half-shit” in Catalan), “Me cago en tu puta madre” (“I shit on your whore of a mother”) and just to really make sure you’ve got it covered: “Me cago en todo lo que se menea” (“I shit on everything that moves”).
Vete a freίr espárragos = Go fry asparagus
And last but not least, my absolute favourite Spanish insult, because just why?
(Note: I have come across some Catalan phrases but more commonly Castillian phrases or versions of insults. The majority of the above are therefore Castilian phrases and I have highlighted the Catalan ones).